Lyrically Speaking

It's getting better all the time...

2005-05-20T01:01:00.000-05:00

Edit: This piece is mostly fictional. Song by Brooks & Dunn.

I don't stop breathing every time the phone rings,
My heart don't race when someone's at my door,
I've almost given up thinking you're ever gonna call,
I don't believe in magic anymore,
I just don't lie awake at night,
Asking God to get you off my mind.

When the phone rang the other day, I picked it up without a second pause. As I said 'hello', it hit me that I had been breathing normally for the first time in weeks, months really. On the other end of the phone, a girl friend asked me how I was doin'. I burst out, "I don't think he's ever gonna' call." Silence on the other end and then a sigh. "Girl, that kind of magic don't exist no more," she said.

It's getting better all the time,
It's getting better all the time.

When my head hits that pillow every night, I no longer lie awake crying. I read my books; filling my head with romance and fantasy. It's the only thing that works. But lately I've been noticeing something. Every day it's a little bit easier. Every day I breathe a little clearer. And every night, the dreams get a little dimmer.

Yeah I got to work on time again this morning,
This old job is all that I got left,
And no one even noticed I'd been crying,
At least I don't have whiskey on my breath,
Yeah I think I'm gonna make it,
'Cause God won't make a mountain I can't climb.

Well I got me a job, and it's lifted my spirits up. Still there's times... when my friends don't see me when I cry. They don't see me lookin' at that bottle, wantin' to drown my tears away. I put the SoCo back in the fridge and wipe my bleary eyes. I don't need to cry.

It's getting better all the time,
It's getting better all the time.

I don't wanna fly and I don't wanna die. I'm living cause that's all that I can do. I'll never waste my time crying... At least not on you any more.

God, I hope you're happy,
Girl, I wish you well,
I just might get over you
But you can't ever tell.

I hope you're happy with your new life. It's hard to think about me not in it. There's still days I wanna pick up the phone and talk to you. But somehow when I hear that dial tone, the desire washes itself away. I think I might move on someday. But I can't imagine you not in my life.

I always thought I'd do something crazy,
If I ever saw you out with someone else,
But when the moment came last night,
I couldn't say a word,
I stood there in the dark all by myself,
Yeah I could have said a million things,
But all I did was keep it locked inside.

Last night, I walked into the bar. You know the one we always spent our Friday nights? But I saw your arm around another pretty girl, and my heart dropped from my chest. I guess she saw me standing there starin'. She flashed a pretty smile. It was the greeting of a stranger. She didn't even know who I was. I thought about going over, and I thought about what I'd say. But the words tumbled, jumbled in my mind. I knew the million things I could say, well I knew they wouldn't come out right.

So I held my tongue, and turned into a statue. I stayed there by the door. I cried a song so silent but to myself. And when I turned to leave, a man held the door open for me. He smiled at me, lifted his hat, and said, "Ma'am." The thought hit me; there's someone out there for me...

It's getting better all the time,
It's getting better all the time,
It's getting better all...the time.

I've given up waitin' on you... There's someone else now on my mind.

I'm at War

2005-02-03T11:39:00.000-05:00

current mood: Reflective, Sorrowful
current music: My Vietnam, Pink (M!ssundaztood)

[sounds of bombs, drums, and helicopters] Daddy was a soldier / He taught me about freedom / Peace and all the great things / That we take advantage of / Once I fed the homeless / I'll never forget / The look upon their faces as I / Treated them with respect // This is my Vietnam / I'm at war / Life keeps on dropping bombs / And I keep score // Mama was a lunatic / She liked to push my buttons / She said I wasn't good enough / But I guess I wasn't trying / Never liked school that much / They tried to teach me better / But I just wasn't hearing it / Because I thought I was already pretty clever // This is my Vietnam / I'm at war / Life keeps on dropping bombs / And I keep score // This is my Vietnam / I'm at war / They keep on dropping bombs / And I keep score // What do you expect from me / What am I not giving you / What could I do for you / To make me okay in your eyes // This is my Vietnam / This is my Vietnam / I'm at war, at war / They keep on dropping bombs / And I keep score // This is my Vietnam / I'm at war / Life keeps on dropping bombs / And I keep score // This is my Vietnam / This is my Vietnam
[sounds of bombs, gunfire, and a guitar playing the national anthem]

Well Daddy wasn't a soldier, and Mama wasn't a lunatic. Daddy was a farmer. Father was a garbage man and wrecker driver. Mama was caring. Mother was inept. And Mom was a lunatic.

And you thought it bad with just one or two parents... Try a total of five.

I did once feed the homeless. And I wept.

Mom always pushed my buttons and always told me I wasn't good enough. Even though I tried. I loved school. It was the only sanctuary I had.

I was scared. I was lost. I was running.

I ran for so long. Now I am afraid to stop.

I did stupid things... And life certainly dropped its bombs.

And I'm still dealing with the fallout.

Dear God, is it painful to experience! And when removed from myself, so painful to watch. I am at war... with myself.

When does the war end? When is 'my Vietnam' over? When can I stop running? Lord, let it stop!

For now, I'm still at War.

My Happy Ending

2004-11-02T19:42:00.000-05:00

"Let's talk this over. It's not like we're dead. Was it something I did? Was it something You said? Don't leave me hanging, in a city so dead, held up so high on such a breakable thread.

"You were all the things I thought I knew. And I thought we could be."

Talk never got me anywhere. All it ever got me was more confusion more pain and more alone than I've ever been in my life.

"You were everything, everything that I wanted. We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it. And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away. All this time you were pretending... So much for my happy ending."

I wrapped so much of my life up in you, but all you ever did was disappoint me. And all those times I said you never had... I wasn't lying to you as much as I was lying to myself. And now I'm left with only pain.

"You've got your dumb friends. I know what they say. They tell you I'm difficult, but so are they. But they don't know me. Do they even know you? All the things you hide from me. All the shit that you do. You were all the things I thought I knew. And I thought we could be."

Your friends and your family... They never even knew about me. You hid me for so long it became your way of life. But you shared more with me than any of them. You shared your soul. You shared your pain. And What's my reward? Being left behind cause I'm not good enough.

"It's nice to know that you were there. Thanks for acting like you cared. And making me feel like I was the only one. It's nice to know we had it all. Thanks for watching as I fall. And letting me know we were done."

For a time, you were all I wanted, all I knew, all I cared about. You acted like it was the same for you. But in the end, you were pretending because you didn't want to hurt me. But after it all, you stood back and watched me make a fool of myself. But you weren't the one letting me know we were through...

No. That was left to me. I finally wised up. I loved a figment of my imagination. You were never truly there for me. And now a part of me is thankful that there is no child to connect us. That pain would have haunted me for the rest of my life. And Noelle's. Instead of having a child with a man I loved that can never be mine, I've had a child with a violent criminal. So much for my happy ending.

At least I don't have to have you in my life as the 'could have been'. Truly... This has been a happy ending to my tragic story.

A life I don't have to share with anyone. And sleepless nights alone for the rest of my life to cry myself to sleep. I can't compare with a deaf girl with a beautiful smile.

What a happy ending...

Buzzing Like Neon

2004-08-30T02:47:00.000-05:00

current mood: jazzy, lovely
current music: Neon, John Mayer

I guess it's just the music in the background, but I'm feeling incredibly awesome. Either that or I'm just flying higher than a kite knowing that love is worth the care and nurturing most people neglect to give it.

Everyone's so expectant. "If you love me, you'll do this." Bah! The truth of love is "I do this thing for you, BECAUSE I love you." When will people get it through their thick heads? Maybe I'm sounding a little bitchy and not in a good mood at all, but no... When I'm in a good mood like this, I get mouthy.

But seriously, I feel on top of the world, like nothing can bring me down. I have understanding friends who are there for me no matter what. I have a family that's just happy to have me back. And I have a man that I love more than my own life who I would die for if it came down to it.

Okay so that's not necessarily a good thing, but knowing that I could face something like that strong and courageous and with no regrets lets me know that what I feel is real. I can never stay mad at him even when I really really really want to stay mad for a while.

I'm in constant movement. Always moving. Always on the go. No stopping. My mind keeps running the marathon even when my body can't take it anymore. He's the only one who has ever been able to keep up with this crazy mind of mine. He's the one I always run to. I'm the one he always runs to. He's the one I've been linked to for years. When the eyes catch, there's never any need for words, everything has already been said.

And that buzzing feeling is all I ever need. In the past, men tried tying me to the ground. Tried making me stationary. They hadn't my to-and-fro methods. They hadn't my spur of the moment, erratic behavior. But you know what? He's even too spontaneous for me sometimes. And I love it.

"She comes and goes, and comes and goes, like no one can."

"She's slipping through my hands. She's always buzzing just like Neon, Neon."

"Who knows how long, how long, how long, she can go before she burns away."

Burn away...? I don't think so. Fire doesn't die unless you let it. And I'm not about to let my fire die out. I'm too eternal and so is my soul for that.

Goodnight, friends. It's off to dreamland for me. And the dreams of flying about the clouds and never having to touch ground again will sustain me for another night.

Today's Secret Garden

2004-08-28T08:22:00.000-05:00

current mood: exhausted, lonely
current music: Secret Garden, Bruce Springstein (Jerry Maguire version)

I'm exhausted because I've been awake way too long, and Alec is pushing around my organs telling me it's time for him to wake up. Unfortunately for me, I didn't sleep when he slept, so now it's going to be a pain in my ass to get any sleep at all.

And I'm lonely not for the usual reasons. I miss him is all. I miss his voice. I miss seeing his smile. I miss hearing him laugh. I miss the sparkle in his eyes. I just miss him.

Dialogue from Secret Garden and Jerry Maguire have always hit me in such a fashion that I break down into tears just like when I first heard the song out in the barn with Dad. When I downloaded the song a week or so ago, they hit me again. "I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man he almost is." Ouch. Is it that the lines are ripped from my life or that my life is ripped from those lines?

"I'm not letting you get rid of me. How 'bout that? I miss my wife. I love you. You complete me." It's too bad these last three words from Jerry to Dorothy were so overused. This is the very sentiment I was always looking for. I made so many mistakes with men that could have never completed me. But he does.

But I'll be fine, I promise. And, Beloved, deep down, I'm not lying about being fine. Some days are just harder than others.

Well, Pop's alarm is going off. Time for me to go to bed.