Buzzing Like Neon

current mood: jazzy, lovely
current music: Neon, John Mayer

I guess it's just the music in the background, but I'm feeling incredibly awesome. Either that or I'm just flying higher than a kite knowing that love is worth the care and nurturing most people neglect to give it.

Everyone's so expectant. "If you love me, you'll do this." Bah! The truth of love is "I do this thing for you, BECAUSE I love you." When will people get it through their thick heads? Maybe I'm sounding a little bitchy and not in a good mood at all, but no... When I'm in a good mood like this, I get mouthy.

But seriously, I feel on top of the world, like nothing can bring me down. I have understanding friends who are there for me no matter what. I have a family that's just happy to have me back. And I have a man that I love more than my own life who I would die for if it came down to it.

Okay so that's not necessarily a good thing, but knowing that I could face something like that strong and courageous and with no regrets lets me know that what I feel is real. I can never stay mad at him even when I really really really want to stay mad for a while.

I'm in constant movement. Always moving. Always on the go. No stopping. My mind keeps running the marathon even when my body can't take it anymore. He's the only one who has ever been able to keep up with this crazy mind of mine. He's the one I always run to. I'm the one he always runs to. He's the one I've been linked to for years. When the eyes catch, there's never any need for words, everything has already been said.

And that buzzing feeling is all I ever need. In the past, men tried tying me to the ground. Tried making me stationary. They hadn't my to-and-fro methods. They hadn't my spur of the moment, erratic behavior. But you know what? He's even too spontaneous for me sometimes. And I love it.

"She comes and goes, and comes and goes, like no one can."

"She's slipping through my hands. She's always buzzing just like Neon, Neon."

"Who knows how long, how long, how long, she can go before she burns away."

Burn away...? I don't think so. Fire doesn't die unless you let it. And I'm not about to let my fire die out. I'm too eternal and so is my soul for that.

Goodnight, friends. It's off to dreamland for me. And the dreams of flying about the clouds and never having to touch ground again will sustain me for another night.

Today's Secret Garden

current mood: exhausted, lonely
current music: Secret Garden, Bruce Springstein (Jerry Maguire version)

I'm exhausted because I've been awake way too long, and Alec is pushing around my organs telling me it's time for him to wake up. Unfortunately for me, I didn't sleep when he slept, so now it's going to be a pain in my ass to get any sleep at all.

And I'm lonely not for the usual reasons. I miss him is all. I miss his voice. I miss seeing his smile. I miss hearing him laugh. I miss the sparkle in his eyes. I just miss him.

Dialogue from Secret Garden and Jerry Maguire have always hit me in such a fashion that I break down into tears just like when I first heard the song out in the barn with Dad. When I downloaded the song a week or so ago, they hit me again. "I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man he almost is." Ouch. Is it that the lines are ripped from my life or that my life is ripped from those lines?

"I'm not letting you get rid of me. How 'bout that? I miss my wife. I love you. You complete me." It's too bad these last three words from Jerry to Dorothy were so overused. This is the very sentiment I was always looking for. I made so many mistakes with men that could have never completed me. But he does.

But I'll be fine, I promise. And, Beloved, deep down, I'm not lying about being fine. Some days are just harder than others.

Well, Pop's alarm is going off. Time for me to go to bed.