"Let's talk this over. It's not like we're dead. Was it something I did? Was it something You said? Don't leave me hanging, in a city so dead, held up so high on such a breakable thread.
"You were all the things I thought I knew. And I thought we could be."
Talk never got me anywhere. All it ever got me was more confusion more pain and more alone than I've ever been in my life.
"You were everything, everything that I wanted. We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it. And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away. All this time you were pretending... So much for my happy ending."
I wrapped so much of my life up in you, but all you ever did was disappoint me. And all those times I said you never had... I wasn't lying to you as much as I was lying to myself. And now I'm left with only pain.
"You've got your dumb friends. I know what they say. They tell you I'm difficult, but so are they. But they don't know me. Do they even know you? All the things you hide from me. All the shit that you do. You were all the things I thought I knew. And I thought we could be."
Your friends and your family... They never even knew about me. You hid me for so long it became your way of life. But you shared more with me than any of them. You shared your soul. You shared your pain. And What's my reward? Being left behind cause I'm not good enough.
"It's nice to know that you were there. Thanks for acting like you cared. And making me feel like I was the only one. It's nice to know we had it all. Thanks for watching as I fall. And letting me know we were done."
For a time, you were all I wanted, all I knew, all I cared about. You acted like it was the same for you. But in the end, you were pretending because you didn't want to hurt me. But after it all, you stood back and watched me make a fool of myself. But you weren't the one letting me know we were through...
No. That was left to me. I finally wised up. I loved a figment of my imagination. You were never truly there for me. And now a part of me is thankful that there is no child to connect us. That pain would have haunted me for the rest of my life. And Noelle's. Instead of having a child with a man I loved that can never be mine, I've had a child with a violent criminal. So much for my happy ending.
At least I don't have to have you in my life as the 'could have been'. Truly... This has been a happy ending to my tragic story.
A life I don't have to share with anyone. And sleepless nights alone for the rest of my life to cry myself to sleep. I can't compare with a deaf girl with a beautiful smile.
What a happy ending...
November 02, 2004
August 30, 2004
Buzzing Like Neon
current mood: jazzy, lovely
current music: Neon, John Mayer
I guess it's just the music in the background, but I'm feeling incredibly awesome. Either that or I'm just flying higher than a kite knowing that love is worth the care and nurturing most people neglect to give it.
Everyone's so expectant. "If you love me, you'll do this." Bah! The truth of love is "I do this thing for you, BECAUSE I love you." When will people get it through their thick heads? Maybe I'm sounding a little bitchy and not in a good mood at all, but no... When I'm in a good mood like this, I get mouthy.
But seriously, I feel on top of the world, like nothing can bring me down. I have understanding friends who are there for me no matter what. I have a family that's just happy to have me back. And I have a man that I love more than my own life who I would die for if it came down to it.
Okay so that's not necessarily a good thing, but knowing that I could face something like that strong and courageous and with no regrets lets me know that what I feel is real. I can never stay mad at him even when I really really really want to stay mad for a while.
I'm in constant movement. Always moving. Always on the go. No stopping. My mind keeps running the marathon even when my body can't take it anymore. He's the only one who has ever been able to keep up with this crazy mind of mine. He's the one I always run to. I'm the one he always runs to. He's the one I've been linked to for years. When the eyes catch, there's never any need for words, everything has already been said.
And that buzzing feeling is all I ever need. In the past, men tried tying me to the ground. Tried making me stationary. They hadn't my to-and-fro methods. They hadn't my spur of the moment, erratic behavior. But you know what? He's even too spontaneous for me sometimes. And I love it.
"She comes and goes, and comes and goes, like no one can."
"She's slipping through my hands. She's always buzzing just like Neon, Neon."
"Who knows how long, how long, how long, she can go before she burns away."
Burn away...? I don't think so. Fire doesn't die unless you let it. And I'm not about to let my fire die out. I'm too eternal and so is my soul for that.
Goodnight, friends. It's off to dreamland for me. And the dreams of flying about the clouds and never having to touch ground again will sustain me for another night.
current music: Neon, John Mayer
I guess it's just the music in the background, but I'm feeling incredibly awesome. Either that or I'm just flying higher than a kite knowing that love is worth the care and nurturing most people neglect to give it.
Everyone's so expectant. "If you love me, you'll do this." Bah! The truth of love is "I do this thing for you, BECAUSE I love you." When will people get it through their thick heads? Maybe I'm sounding a little bitchy and not in a good mood at all, but no... When I'm in a good mood like this, I get mouthy.
But seriously, I feel on top of the world, like nothing can bring me down. I have understanding friends who are there for me no matter what. I have a family that's just happy to have me back. And I have a man that I love more than my own life who I would die for if it came down to it.
Okay so that's not necessarily a good thing, but knowing that I could face something like that strong and courageous and with no regrets lets me know that what I feel is real. I can never stay mad at him even when I really really really want to stay mad for a while.
I'm in constant movement. Always moving. Always on the go. No stopping. My mind keeps running the marathon even when my body can't take it anymore. He's the only one who has ever been able to keep up with this crazy mind of mine. He's the one I always run to. I'm the one he always runs to. He's the one I've been linked to for years. When the eyes catch, there's never any need for words, everything has already been said.
And that buzzing feeling is all I ever need. In the past, men tried tying me to the ground. Tried making me stationary. They hadn't my to-and-fro methods. They hadn't my spur of the moment, erratic behavior. But you know what? He's even too spontaneous for me sometimes. And I love it.
"She comes and goes, and comes and goes, like no one can."
"She's slipping through my hands. She's always buzzing just like Neon, Neon."
"Who knows how long, how long, how long, she can go before she burns away."
Burn away...? I don't think so. Fire doesn't die unless you let it. And I'm not about to let my fire die out. I'm too eternal and so is my soul for that.
Goodnight, friends. It's off to dreamland for me. And the dreams of flying about the clouds and never having to touch ground again will sustain me for another night.
August 28, 2004
Today's Secret Garden
current mood: exhausted, lonely
current music: Secret Garden, Bruce Springstein (Jerry Maguire version)
I'm exhausted because I've been awake way too long, and Alec is pushing around my organs telling me it's time for him to wake up. Unfortunately for me, I didn't sleep when he slept, so now it's going to be a pain in my ass to get any sleep at all.
And I'm lonely not for the usual reasons. I miss him is all. I miss his voice. I miss seeing his smile. I miss hearing him laugh. I miss the sparkle in his eyes. I just miss him.
Dialogue from Secret Garden and Jerry Maguire have always hit me in such a fashion that I break down into tears just like when I first heard the song out in the barn with Dad. When I downloaded the song a week or so ago, they hit me again. "I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man he almost is." Ouch. Is it that the lines are ripped from my life or that my life is ripped from those lines?
"I'm not letting you get rid of me. How 'bout that? I miss my wife. I love you. You complete me." It's too bad these last three words from Jerry to Dorothy were so overused. This is the very sentiment I was always looking for. I made so many mistakes with men that could have never completed me. But he does.
But I'll be fine, I promise. And, Beloved, deep down, I'm not lying about being fine. Some days are just harder than others.
Well, Pop's alarm is going off. Time for me to go to bed.
current music: Secret Garden, Bruce Springstein (Jerry Maguire version)
I'm exhausted because I've been awake way too long, and Alec is pushing around my organs telling me it's time for him to wake up. Unfortunately for me, I didn't sleep when he slept, so now it's going to be a pain in my ass to get any sleep at all.
And I'm lonely not for the usual reasons. I miss him is all. I miss his voice. I miss seeing his smile. I miss hearing him laugh. I miss the sparkle in his eyes. I just miss him.
Dialogue from Secret Garden and Jerry Maguire have always hit me in such a fashion that I break down into tears just like when I first heard the song out in the barn with Dad. When I downloaded the song a week or so ago, they hit me again. "I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man he almost is." Ouch. Is it that the lines are ripped from my life or that my life is ripped from those lines?
"I'm not letting you get rid of me. How 'bout that? I miss my wife. I love you. You complete me." It's too bad these last three words from Jerry to Dorothy were so overused. This is the very sentiment I was always looking for. I made so many mistakes with men that could have never completed me. But he does.
But I'll be fine, I promise. And, Beloved, deep down, I'm not lying about being fine. Some days are just harder than others.
Well, Pop's alarm is going off. Time for me to go to bed.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
